It’s time for Kpopalypse roundup! Let’s take a look at some new releases!
Did I mention recently that whistles are always a mistake in a k-pop song? Illit seemed to take on my statement as a challenge here. The result is so awful that it might even wrap right around to the other side of the music quality sphere and start being good again. But what if music quality is not a sphere but just a void filled with even more whistling…
Pretty bland stuff from Lisa that sells her effectively as an action hero but not so much as a musician. So anyway, since it’s boring as piss, I’m just letting you know that the NEW Kpopalypse survey is out, it’s just my regular six-monthly survey where I get general feedback from readers, there’s probably nothing problematic in most of it I promise, why don’t you fill it out, link is HERE, do it caonimas!
Typical YG ballad except it’s more boring than last time. Remember when YG had great ballad songs like “Monster” and “Ugly“? This is nothing like that.
It’s great to see Gehlee doing some stuff back in her home country because it means she might actually make some money now she’s not in the Korean system. However the song itself is bland and it’s hard to care about. What’s easier to care about is thinking about who I should replace Gehlee with as my “no reason” sidebar girl, have your say on this and other questions by filling out the new Kpopalypse survey HERE, do it caonimas!
Youha is looking great but the song is pretty awful, there’s no hint of her earlier solo music quality here. The choice of electronically harmonised Autotune is also super weird and doesn’t suit what she’s trying to do, not that the song would be any good without that but it does help make it extra shit.
Last week was an unusually good week for k-pop. We’re definitely not having a repeat of that this time around. Bring on the “does he ever like anything” comments, I guess.
Boring bossanova bullshit. When they put the accursed Fender Rhodes in the actual video itself, and it’s an actual real one and not a synth, you know the music quality is rock bottom.
“C.R.E.A.M.” is actually my least favourite song by far off Wu-Tang’s excellent debut album, but given the total disaster of Autotuned shit that hip-hop has become these days, it’s probably now sitting somewhere in the top 2% of rap songs ever. Anyway Youngji is a pretty good choice for a remix and suits the material well, even though this barely-different “remix” is so short that it hardly seems like it was even worth the effort. Letting her do a second verse would have been nice.
From Wu-Tang to this, jesus christ. Kill me now.
If you’ve got insomnia, this song will definitely fix it.
They do the tape-warp thing here like in Eyedi’s “& New” but the main difference is that Eyedi’s song wasn’t boring crap.
Well, at least Jay Park’s not in it, but four boys who sound just like Jay Park does when he’s in soft-as-shite R&B mode isn’t necessarily better.
I hope yuhz boys get some better music soon, ay.
It’s really hard to fathom why this lame R&B-lite exists when Heart Of Woman showed everyone how it’s done and it was just ignored.
I notice that most of the roads they’re walking on are actually dirt, I guess some boy group out there forgot to PAVE THE WAY.
Finally, something to wake me up this week! Vo-one-dee show up to show us how it’s done. Amazing that we’re living in a time where fast pace is trendy and yet most songs are still boring.
Double-kick drumming from an “idol k-rock boy band”, I never thought I’d hear it but here it is. Great guitar solos and even slap bass too. Now we just have to learn how to write a decent song and we’re set.
This is actually a real group with real humans in it, but you wouldn’t know it from how heavily they’ve leaned into the AI slops here. Anyway it sucks.
Pity the question is “Has Asian Junkie given up on this group completely?” Anyway you can throw down on the reasons for this, plus a lot more in the NEW Kpopalypse survey, fill it out, link is HERE, do it caonimas!
Oh god, this is awful.
And now presenting to you possibly the ugliest thing I’ve ever seen. If that thumbnail is terrifying you, I urge you not to press play. True monstrosities await that you are not prepared for.
Oh my god stop it with the face filters. Everyone’s really trying to out-ugly each other this week. Oh and watch at 0:47 – he’s thinking it. Don’t do it, Onew!
The video starts with an angle we didn’t need and ends with music we didn’t need.
I don’t think this one’s going to go over that well outside of the context of hypercapitalist wage slaves despairing about wasting their lives. Should be big in Korea though.
Some girl from the underscore group draws a line under her own career with some boring crap.
Zelo’s getting out his banana a little too late for the objectification survey, the results are already out and he didn’t even place anywhere! Gotta be quicker off the mark these days than that.
They almost got it right, but singing just over the top of the microphone isn’t it. It’s funny, people who are new to live performance do this with SM58s too – they hold the thing vertical and sing into the air above it, like they’re nibbling the Flake sticking out of an ice cream cone.
I expected more syncopation in this song than I got. Not sure why that is, hey.
I was right about last week’s quality not lasting, goddamn. Jvcki Wai’s valiumed-up clone is practically comatose here.
Here’s this week’s non-Korean feature. Apparently the backstory here is that Sideneck was driving in his car and got hit by a moose (!) and this broke his neck and ribs in several places as well as paralysed his arm, and even made him decide to start rapping (probably the most severe damage). So enjoy this bit of disability advocacy, he can tell a girl to suck his dick just as well as any able-bodied rapper. Truly an example for us all.
Sowon throws down on various new groups and their styles and it reveals a lot about just how poverty-stricken Gfriend was in their early days, because she can look at these new videos and instantly see exactly where the money went. Recommended!
I really haven’t decided how much I hate the new Illit song yet, but if people end up complaining about it this much for such dumb reasons I might even end up liking it, who knows.
Infinite were decent back in the day and “Destiny” has their usual fast wall of sound from back then. From the song submitter “the reason why theres a version b is because version a had a bunch of scenes where they hang out on a plane carrier and there had recently been a plane crash so they edited all those scenes out the original version is out there.” Pandering to the climate of the day never ages well, but the video(s) look good enough regardless, these days it’d be flying AI slop everywhere.
That’s all for this week! Kpopalypse roundup returns next week! Oh, and don’t forget to do the survey! Cheers, caonimas!
